Women are amazing. I know this because I am one; frequently, when I look back at what has been achieved in what feels like a day but is actually a week, I am amazed. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, working, dropping off, picking up – you know the drill. Oh, and can you whip up an outfit for book week at school and walk the dog whilst you’re at it? Christmas week alone requires the work and skill of a small army. It never ends. I’m not unique, as most of the women I know juggle at least this and frequently much more. And yet many women, if asked, will tell you that taking time out or prioritising their needs makes them feel guilty.
Guilt is a funny thing. As an emotion, it serves a very real and necessary purpose. In our childhood we learn when we have done wrong and not to repeat mistakes – guilt is one of the tools that reinforces learning the lessons. It can help to keep us on the “straight and narrow” and to follow a moral compass. And anything that stops us from acting on every impulse we have when pre-menstrual or menopausal can’t be all bad.
Most women, though, would admit to feeling guilty over little things – eating or drinking something you know isn’t the healthiest; spending more than you budgeted for; reading just one more chapter when there’s housework to be done; letting the kids watch tv for ten more minutes of peace. We all have something that we beat ourselves up over, and this can impact negatively on your self esteem. In these situations, being mindful or aware of how you are feeling is helpful. Acknowledge the feeling, identify the cause, and ask yourself – “Is feeling guilty reasonable or justified?” If you decide that it is, then you can make amends. Change the behaviour or acknowledge what you’ve done wrong; then move on. If you decide that it is not worth a guilt trip, then change your attitude. Tell yourself, “I chose to eat a whole block of chocolate/drink a bottle of wine/buy another white t-shirt, and I’m ok with that”. Again, move on. Don’t obsess or waste anymore energy rationalising or justifying. It is what it is.
True guilt comes about when we have done something we perceive as wrong. It is your mind’s way of trying to get your attention; that your values and actions aren’t in line. It can be an uncomfortable, churning feeling, like when you know you’ve broken something precious, right through to gut-wrenching, hurt-someone-I-love heartbreak. Again, making amends can be a way forward. Owning the mistake, even if that means just admitting it to yourself, can be a good first step. Apologise. Learning from the mistake and taking on board the lesson is also important in assuaging guilt. Make amends, if possible. Taking responsibility for your actions is important; just make sure it is your responsibility. Women are also very good at owning the actions of others, especially mothers.
Prioritising our needs is not something to feel guilty about. It is a recognised recipe for burnout to keep giving without replenishing. It may seem selfish to take time out from your role as a carer, employee, student, wife, mother or team member but it is essential in safe guarding your mental health. Exercise, time by yourself (that doesn’t involve washing clothes or any other form of cleaning), reading, watching a movie, meditation, getting a massage or a manicure – the only criteria is that it is something that you enjoy doing, doesn’t fall under the categories of illegal” or “self-medicating” and is not done for the benefit of others.
Accepting ourselves for who we are can also help us to combat overwhelm, guilt and burnout. Nobody is perfect. We don’t usually expect perfection from others; we shouldn’t place that burden on ourselves either. It isn’t rational to beat yourself up over the small stuff. Chances are nobody else noticed, or they are secretly thinking they wish they had more time for themselves. Don’t let labels like wife/mother/daughter/career define you or limit you. You are you. And life is too short!
