Having spent the last twenty-plus years working in a community service that deals almost exclusively with women’s issues, one of the most common presenting issues is relationship breakdown. And while each individual situation is different, there are many common emotions and challenges when a relationship changes.
It is daunting to enter the next phase of your life; when “we” again becomes “I”. Remember that you were once an individual; you weren’t always half of a couple. You can reclaim your life.
The statistics reveal that many marriages end in divorce, and you are far from alone. And yet this may feel like the loneliest time of your life. The divorce rate in Australia in 2014 was 47%; the median length of time a marriage lasted before divorce was 12 years (source: Australian Bureau of Statistics). During any change process there is grief and loss. There are many feelings that can overwhelm and threaten to swamp you: disappointment, fear, anxiety, excitement, relief. All of these are normal, and can be experienced in a short space of time. Surround yourself with a cheer squad – people who are supportive of you. Don’t be afraid to seek outside help. The perspective of a professional not personally invested in the situation can be valuable for you to help sort through the maze of emotions and processes and make a plan. This doesn’t have to be a plan for the rest of your life; it might just be a plan to get you through tomorrow, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious or stuck. Check with your local Neighbourhood Centre for local community services and the Department of Human Services social work department for support and information also.
Focus on what needs to be done. Take care of the legal, financial and business aspects with as much detachment as you can muster. If you aren’t feeling strong, fake it ‘til you make it. Keeping emotion out of the process sounds near impossible, but approaching some aspects of divorce as you would a business deal is smart. Focus on being fully present when decisions are being made; your attention is important. Write things down and take notes so you can revisit it later, and ask questions. Seek information from reliable sources (links follow this article). Be as informed as you can be. While this may not feel like the most rational time of your life, approaching separation and divorce with as much information as possible is empowering. It is your life; grab hold! Muster up all of the courage you have, even if you feel more like curling up in the foetal position in bed. You are responsible for you. That doesn’t mean doing everything alone; it means you make the decisions for your life, and take responsibility for your decisions. Part of the fear is the unknown. Knowing what is possible, what may happen next and that there is a future ahead, reduces that fear. Information is power. Visualise a tool kit – information and people who support you are all part of that kit.
If you have children together, you will need to consider how you will parent apart. Make it easier for children to adjust by keeping routines as normal as possible and setting good boundaries for their behaviour (and yours!). Your children are not your friends – don’t unload on them, ask them for advice or involve them in your and your ex-partner’s issues. Your role as a parent (and your ex-partner’s) is to make them feel loved, secure and safe. Maintaining your dignity and taking the high road has never been more important for your children, and for your future relationship with them. Bad mouthing the other parent puts them in the middle, and can make them distrustful of both parents. If they ask questions, try to keep answers as simple and consistent as possible. Often children are looking for reassurance. Let them know they are loved by both parents, no matter how your family structure changes. Keep in contact with extended family if that is what you usually do, but ask them to be mindful of what they say. Don’t discuss matters that should be private in front of children – ever.
Taking care of you is especially important. A good diet and exercise can go a long way towards finding a good nights’ sleep. Physical activity helps to manage the physical symptoms of stress. Avoid self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, or acting on impulse. See your GP for advice on coping with the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety if needed. Medication should be a last resort, but can be a lifeline if symptoms are severe. Counselling can also help you negotiate your way through your emotions and thoughts with the support of a trained professional in a confidential and accepting space. This can be an oasis where you can fully explore what you are feeling, without having to be guarded. The role of counselling is to explore the issues you need help with, and then discuss all of the options available to you. You can then make a decision about what you want to do with as much information as possible. They can also assist with techniques to manage your emotion – anger, fear, anxiety and panic can all be physically painful to experience. Panic attacks are common when under unusual stress.
Allow yourself the time to acknowledge and grieve the loss of the relationship. How long differs from person to person, and the circumstances. Know that while you may be fine one day, tomorrow may feel like an emotional step backwards. What’s important is to keep moving. Try finding a mantra to keep you focused. One of my personal favourites is “When you are going through hell, keep going”. Practice kindness often, with yourself and with others. Pick your battles wisely, if you have to choose.
Accept that while life may be difficult right now, but it won’t be forever. Moving on means you put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Don’t keep revisiting past hurts; there is no gain in being bitter and angry. It doesn’t change the outcome and just reinforces the pain. Don’t focus on how the relationship went wrong; remember that there was once something very special between you. The end of a relationship is not a failure but an ending. Feelings of grief, loss and anger are normal. Acknowledging this can be helpful in moving into acceptance.
Allow the space for the next phase of your life. Be open to moving on, and for your life to move into its next phase.
These websites may be useful:
The Family Law Court Australia –
Legal Aid Queensland (or in your state) –
www.legalaid.qld.gov.au/Find-legal-information/Factsheets-and-guides
Relationships Australia –
www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services/counselling
Uniting Care –
http://uccommunity.org.au/counselling
