There’s so much I want to write today but it’s all disjointed. I’m in a muddle of gratitude and judgement which doesn’t sit well. When I feel like this it’s important, I need write it down to understand and dissect it. If I ever feel a bit useless, I look over my CV and realise I am eminently successful! It’s all in the writing.
Yesterday I woke up in new bamboo sheets. As one who hasn’t been able to afford such luxury for over 20 years it was sheer decadence. (I didn’t buy them) This alone was cause for a smile. Then a cup of perfectly made tea was delivered to me in bed where I stayed till 8am. Another outrageous luxury.
Then I popped to the beach 10 minutes away for a swim and a cappuccino on the beach where music played, a surf carnival was underway, children squealed and laughed and I just couldn’t believe how lucky I was. During the week we all went to the beach for the supermoon. While some complained it wasn’t super at all – I can’t remember the last time we all went to the beach at night with wine and lots of laughs – so it was super for us.
My eldest son who is doing a gap year is in Vietnam with a good mate for a few weeks and having a ball off the beaten track on motorbikes and canoes and hiking.
My youngest left yesterday for a week’s work experience with a great mate and his generous parents who have kindly invited my son along to do some Jackaroo work with their son. He is worried. He feels he will love it so much he won’t want to come back. I know he will and I’m sad for him. But another few years and he’ll graduate Uni and be able to fulfill his passion of living on a farm again with a dog by his side and a degree. I can’t offer him this at the moment – but that’s ok – he will make it a reality I know.
I find I am at peace with my work – enough to keep me busy, not too much to give me stress, great work mates and a great boss and learning all the time.
I desperately want to travel the world again but this time differently. I have been planning a world trip on my Pinterest Vision Board with recommendations of out of the way places that colleagues, friends and Instagram contacts have visited – a bit off the beaten track. For this I need to lose the next 20 kilos, make going to the gym an obsession, keep reducing my outgoings even more and have both boys settled at Uni.
My quality of life is remarkable – healthy, real and nutritious food, a supportive and like-minded partner, lovely strong and handsome sons full of character whom I adore, an actual home – still a rental but a home with a yard with a real live Agapanthus in my garden, a good job, the ability to pay for my sons private schooling, the opportunity to give them gym and sporting opportunities, fabulous friends who reciprocate my friendship by supporting me, an extended healthy and supportive family and the …occasional wine.
And you know what? It is wonderful. A truly wonderful life. It is quite simple, but full of richness and enough challenges to stop me getting bored.
I am writing this to say I could also say I have no money, a non-glamourous job, no home, I can’t afford to travel, I have sole responsibility for my 2 sons, I never have any time to myself, I am exhausted, I can only afford cheap wine, I can’t afford a holiday, I prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner 7 days a week and shop nearly daily, I drive 500 kilometres a week to deliver children and myself to obligations, I would like to study for a degree in Communications but I can’t afford it. But I don’t because I don’t see things this way.
We all have things we would change. Some more than others. Some insurmountable. I have no real hurdles and I don’t want any. I deal with my obstacles the best way I know how. I live with a man who has had more darkness than he deserves – but he loves me and allows me to whine if I need to – without judgement or a need to compete.
I am happy with all I have achieved in 2016. I have a new job, have lost 13.5 kg, have a new (to us) house, new friends, a change in eating habits, enough camping gear to be comfy at the beach, new beautiful good quality furniture (all second hand) and new goals for 2017 which is travel, save, get fit and travel some more – all of which I will achieve.
I realise I am one of the lucky ones, and for this, as always, I am grateful. In some circles I am the poorest and feel like a bit of a loser and in others I feel rich beyond compare. But the thing I am most proud of is how many times in this life I have had to reinvent myself to make it work – from leaving home at 17 with nothing to having it all in my 30’s, and back to reinventing myself again in my 50’s – it has never been boring and although a bit exhausting, I have few regrets.
And this week I am the richest yet, knowing both my young men are living life to the fullest, exactly where they want to be, and me – when I get home from work today…everything will look exactly the same as when I left it – and if my life wasn’t so full….I would not even know how exciting this is! I am exactly where I want to be and it feels fabulous.
Have a wonderful week ladies – if you don’t like it – change it.
