If your mother was a child of the thirties, married in the fifties, she probably was a stay at home Mum with you. She probably volunteered at school, sports days, and maybe helped out somewhere but her principal role in life was being a Mum. She was happy with that and did a magic job. Well fed, well clothed, well mannered children were produced.
She didn’t want to be the breadwinner. Your father was probably the sole breadwinner and that fulfilled him as a man and a father as he wanted to support his family. It was an honour. He took pride in this role and each parent was happy with their position in the family. Mum had housekeeping money and kept within her budget. She made everything from scratch and had pride in the meals she presented. They both conferred on the family’s decisions – ie. schools, holidays, school reports, sporting events, and social outings. The roles worked and the children knew exactly where they stood.
Maybe there were disagreements between them, but the children did not hear them. Maybe they were broke, but the children never knew. Maybe they were tired, but they were always up before anyone else. They were always last up at night to ensure the children were safely asleep, together.
Everyone had a role which they performed with strength, dignityand honesty. Both parents knew what was expected of them and because there was respect they didn’t want to let each other down. Alcohol was limited, both parents were frugal, they didn’t expect more than happy, healthy children and a pleasant life, and they worked together. The world was – in general – was good.
Fast forward to today. Men still work – usually, but it’s now often a means to an end and it is an expectation on them. It was ok at 20, but at 40/50/60 with mouths to feed, mortgages to pay, sporting costs etc it’s lost its shine. Now there’s no money spare for whatever he may have enjoyed in his single days. Any money needs to be put back into the family and while this used to be ok, it’s now an imposition. A breadwinner used to get respect automatically, because his wife was happy – her needs were met and the house ran smoothly. His needs were met – and he was treated like a king.
Now his role in the family is diluted. Now his wife has to work full time to keep up with payments. She resents it because it is not in her biological make up to leave her babies. Now she is bringing in the same amount of money. Where before she felt pride in shopping and cooking, now it’s not her primary focus, she has an obligation to her boss now too – she is torn. His role is reduced because she now does what he does plus the chores.
Then the resentment sets in. Why should he sit around watching TV while she does everything – he is not supporting her? His role in the world has not changed – hers has – now she does what her mother did plus works full time plus looks after the bills, the accounts, often makes sole decisions on the families future. The resentment continues to build on both parties – there is no happy wife, or happy life. He hasn’t go a clue what he has done wrong but he knows he is doing everything wrong.
There is also the total opposite – the father works full time, looks after the kids when he gets home, pays the bills, looks after the house, cooks the meals, washes and irons, while his wife enjoys the better things in life at his expense. It is never going to work – it breeds animosity, both parties are dying from the inside out, no-one is happy.
The solution – pre nuptial coaching! Everyone should attend mediation BEFORE they are married. Who will shop? Who will mop? Who will do the accounts? Who will cook? How much play money each? If we have children who looks after them? Do they go to Day Care? What will they eat and who will cook it? How many children? Where will we live? Is our mother-in-law going to move in? What are our priorities in life? When shall we retire? Do we travel annually? Do you like timber or brick? Do we go into debt or save? How many times a week do you want sex? How soon shall we have children? What happens if you/I get really fat? How often do we still see our mates/girlfriends?
This should be mandatory before marriage! The world has changed so it’s time to change the rules. It is affecting society as we know it in a calamitous way. One parent cannot parent effectively on their own. Extended families are scarce in the western world and parents need help. Let’s find a way.
This blog is generalising…..again. Don’t get cross, if this does not relate to you or your husband, be proud and sing your spouse’s praises!
