P is for Partner
Everybody knows the non nuclear family is a minefield of emotions for everyone. If you are looking after your children’s best interests, and living in a perfect world, you are holding your tongue and dealing with it all in private.
When you have split, everyone knows how you should behave for the children, but only the two of you know what really went down and the baggage that remains. Both believe they have had a raw deal and maybe that’s true.
But when you have to front the ex, the ex’s new partner, the ex in-laws, the ex friends while exhibiting no outward signs of malice and a pretence of affability, it often takes every ounce of strength to pull it off without a gnashing of teeth and a growling sound.
My partner is not a step parent to my sons. He is my partner, he respects my parenting but it’s not his responsibility. His role is to support me and us emotionally and physically but he is not the disciplinarian and plays no role in the raising of my boys. Unless he is asked, and then he rises to the occasion. He poses no threat to the boys father – and never will.
Similarly I have no interest in anyone else trying to be my children’s “mother”. I alone have earned that right and like a Lion, I will fight for my cubs. You have to be careful in your choice and it’s for this reason so many of us remain single while our opposites quickly jump back into another relationship. We have the day to day problems of bringing a new person into the home – the children’s permanent home – and their needs must come first.
This week-end though my partner stepped right up to the L plate showing much more patience and aptitude than I ever have from the passenger seat. We had an appointment in Toowoomba and it was 3 hours there, 1.5 hours in the meeting and 3 hours home. We decided my 18 year son should drive to get his hours up. He calmly and warmly directed him THROUGH Brisbane to Toowoomba ….and back. I said “We are NOT going through Brisbane!” He said “he’s gotta learn sometime sweetie”. Eldest wasn’t perturbed and off we went and made it home by 4pm without a scratch and all still friends! There was no raised voices, there was mutual respect, and not a peep from me – unheard of. (I slept!)
To take over the responsibility from me was total bliss. To be able to rely on someone else and not only trust them, but to know they are putting your children’s interests first is so comforting. It turns out I am an Acts Of Service kinda girl (the 5 love languages) – who would have known!
(totally obscure – brekky at the GPO in Toowoomba)
