Anyone know this scenario – I owned my first home at 22, then 28, then another 2 at 30, another at 35, another at 37, then got divorced and now renting.
Owning your own home is a natural progression for most. You will probably own several in your lifetime and I know I will own one again. Some women I know have had remarkable homes and now live in a 2 bedroom rental unit with 3 children, or have met a new partner and so have been able to buy a modest home for their future. No one is to blame – there are no winners in divorce.
When I first rented after about 100 years of living in my own homes, I asked someone if they knew of anyone wanting to rent, she said “oh no, all our friends OWN their own homes, we don’t know ANYONE who rents”. That was my first kick in the stomach – I knew there was a stigma attached, I felt it – but I really didn’t expect it to be verbalised. I don’t ever remember judging anyone for not owning a home – but to some it is a point of supremacy.
But this was not what I had planned for my boys – this was not the picture I painted when I brought my first son home from hospital in 1998. The sister at the hospital even said: “he is so very lucky” – I didn’t understand what she meant – I thought it would be remarkable if he lasted a week with my maternal skills to be honest. But she meant he was terribly loved and he was and is, as is his brother. I did bring both my boys home to homes we owned.
That first kick was in 2013 and the feeling has never really left me. There is definitely prejudice when you are ‘only’ renting – sadly this is true – once again I generalize but I am talking about my experiences only. I think it particularly applies if you are over 40 and don’t own your own home – it’s like –“Loser”. I know some people who choose to rent and love it, and there are benefits to this also, but I would prefer to own a home and as I said, one day soon I will.
What I find the most demeaning experience is the house inspections. Housekeeping is not my strong point –some people prioritise a perfect house and believe it denotes who you are – that is not me –I do what I have to do so it’s clean/passable but again it is often a source of shame to me – in my defence, I did mop every day when the boys were crawling. But truly, to have someone inspecting your house is like they are looking into the most private part of your soul judging you and finding you wanting. I hate it. I am a mental mess a month out and the relief after its over is – well – let’s just say the relief is actually physical.
Yesterday I went to a local caravan park/resort with a friend who is looking for a rental. (It was NOT a Big 4 which we love) We had looked at homes but we thought we would just pop in to see what it was like as a possible option between homes for a couple of weeks for her if needed. Now my friend has rented since she left the family home with her children –so about 15 years – probably has paid about $273,000 in rent since then. She has raised two sons with no child support at all – her ex partner claims he earns nothing as he works for cash so his taxable income is negligible. So, she works three jobs – but she can’t get a loan because they are all casual position and she can never save for the 10% because she uses it all to look after the family.
Let me tell you – she was not treated with anything bordering on respect – she was dismissed – she was so far below this receptionist I was cringing with mortification for my friend. She has worked her butt off, she has suffered the humiliation for 15 years of bowing and scraping to pay her rent, buy food, work long hours, provide for her children, and she is treated as inferior by a receptionist? I left before I opened my mouth. But the prejudice was real – and there is nothing you can say in your defence – oh ah I used to own homes –ah I once was young and successful – ah ……why should you have to – and particularly to another woman!
If you have ever been to an open house to try to find a rental on the Sunshine Coast, it is unbelievable. There are sometimes 10-20 families or couples waiting at the door to go through for an inspection. It is an investors market and it is like a lottery if you manage to be the winner of one you have your heart set on.
I have been lucky – my first was in a resort, I had a great job; my boys went to a good school so we had a lot of credibility and I was very grateful and we stayed in the townhouse until it got too small for us. We only got into trouble once – that was in the complex pool at midnight NYE when the security guard came by – truly who is NOT in a pool with a cheap bottle of bubbles at midnight on the 1st of January of ANY year?
Now I am over the moon to have a private rental in a unit which is Nirvana. But again, daily I am worried it will sell, or I will have to leave, or we will annoy someone, or I haven’t swept up the leaves or I haven’t double wrapped the rubbish, or the boys had their music up too high – I feel we are always at others mercy.
I know it is up to us as women/mums/single mums/widows/ to hold our heads up, but weekly I see women trying to hold on to some pride and dignity when the chips are down – often they have none left and their only focus is to keep their children well and safe – but reserve your prejudice please.
And don’t for one moment think I feel sorry for myself – I am rich beyond compare – I have a wonderful life, a wonderful family, wonderful friends, wonderful children and I am daily eternally grateful for all I have and all we have achieved. I am not whinging and nor are others, we are just sad it is this way.
As said in the movie: The Cobbler – “you have to walk a day in a man’s shoes to know how he feels in them”.
