The D Word – Divorce
A delicate subject and one no-one really wants to discuss except when they are going through it – as it might catch like a virus. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, Marriages and Divorces Australia for 2014, “There were 121,197 marriages registered in 2014 and 46,498 divorces granted. Over the past five years there has been a gradual increase in the median age at separation and divorce. This aligns with a gradual increase in the median age at first marriage”. Also “The median age at divorce for males was 45.2 years and the median age of females was 42.5 years of age for those divorces granted in 2014”. And “The largest proportion of divorce applications were from joint applicants for 41.5% of divorces. Female applicants accounted for 32.5% of divorce applications while male applicants accounted for 26.0%.” And of those male applicants – I wonder who was the driving force –him or his new partner?
Divorce is part of today’s society whether you like it or not and as I have said before there are no winners in divorce. It is distressing before, during and after and it doesn’t get easier until the children leave the nest and become self sufficient financially – but other issues sometimes arise then too. The process of divorce brings with it pain, loss of dreams, tension, blame, new partners, children torn in two emotionally, and fights about money. Everyone thinks they are hard done by and everyone loses. I believe if a woman is prepared to uproot her children, leave the security of a home, and divide any wealth or equity, she has thought long and hard about it, it is not an impulse decision and she believes it is in the children’s best interests. Even if the divorce is mutually agreed upon, it’s amazing how as life progresses these facts sometimes get forgotten and fingers are pointed.
I am writing this from women’s perspective, however I also understand there are men who are not allowed to see their children and who pay $300 a week maintenance. I also understand there are men who didn’t want a divorce but the wife did and took the children without consultation. I know there are men whose wives were unfaithful and left the marriage for the other man and now live with their new partner in luxury while you pay $300 a week and can never buy another house as you have too many outgoings. I know this but I can only speak from a women’s perspective – and as I said, there are no winners – I am definitely not man-bashing.
People who haven’t gone through divorce do not have a clue about the myriad of emotions associated with it. No one knows that for the first month there is relief that you have done it, it is out in the open, you have told your families, the shame has been faced head on and you have survived it. You don’t have to think about it daily. After that there is time to figure out who the hell you are. You are not the person who went into the marriage 10, 20 or 30 years earlier but you are single again – but not the same.
If you have children you are not ‘really’ single. So you have to re-invent yourself. But, there is no money for study, you have to work. There is no money for personal grooming as it all goes to keeping the family afloat. You are probably unskilled now as you left your profession in your twenties or thirties to raise children and it is a totally different world now. If you left to have children before 2000 the Internet was not even used widely. You don’t have much super as you were only working to help with the household budget while being a mum. No employer wants to train a 40+ old and they also don’t want to hire you as you’ll have too many sick days because you have young children. You also don’t look 20 anymore and there are lots of 20 year olds looking for the same job who are not as big a liability.
You constantly worry about money. Then you worry about the children’s emotional health. Then you worry about their development – socially, mentally, spiritually and physically. Then you have to go through feelings of being a total ‘loser’. You failed, you let your children down, you let your family down, you feel shame, you went into marriage earning great money, looking fabulous, on top of your game – and now you are middle aged, with huge costs and not very many prospects.
You have to bring it up again and again when you meet up with acquaintances, and with that comes all the feelings again. You live with constant worry, wondering how you are going to get by, make ends meet, how you are going to be able to provide for the children, but knowing you have to, because as a mother there is no way you will live without your children, so you just have to get on with it.
Even if you are determined to do the right thing and not discuss the other partner, there is always a breaking point when you drop the ball. It’s hard to be gracious and complimentary when inside you are seething from the injustices you feel. If the children are living with you, but the other party is not putting his hand in his pocket – it is very hard not to be spiteful. It brings out the best and worst traits in everyone and children know – they are much smarter than they are given credit for. If you are not the sole carer, you have absolutely no idea of the financial ramifications on a daily basis. I have even heard from some parents whose children can’t participate in week-end team sports as the non carer parent won’t take them when they have them on alternate week-ends – that’s a new kind of low.
The most difficult thing I see in women after divorce is their fragility. They have nothing left to fight with. They are battle weary and have a vulnerability that is unfair. I also know of men in the same boat – men who had the land, the house, and the good income before they met their bride and then they lose it all and have to start again at 40 – its soul destroying.
Today’s children are affected in so many ways by divorce but I think they are largely protected by the full time carer and grow into wonderful human beings. A lot however miss opportunities because of the separation and it is very sad to see so many that aren’t reaching their full potential. They also lose their belief in marriage and are more cynical about relationships. Divorce clouds their outlook and they are very frugal with their trust. They don’t want to end up like their parents. I’m not sure of the long term ramifications of this – I’m sure we will see in the next 10 – 20 years.
A lot of people say if they knew then what they know now, they would have stuck it out. Generations prior to ours did just that – they had no choice – but it was also a different world then. Maybe that’s why women are living longer now – they are taking their life in their own hands and not remaining in a marriage if it is abysmal. There are so many scenarios, so many terrible stories, so much sadness, so much blame, and as I said – there are no winners in Divorce.
